There is something very painful about mourning someone before they're actually dead, in every possible iteration of the scenario. I  am exhausted with it. I'm exhausted with everything, it feels like, because what a fucking year this has been.

I'd like to blame my sudden bouts of weepiness on pain alone, but I am aware that this is a fairly stadard trauma response - you are fine, you bottle it up, you go around on your day up until you very suddenly are not. But the weepiness is not helped by pain levels, I think, or the fact I've fucked myself back into malnutrition.

Solution, as always, is just one step at a time. I guess I'll go get a fucking sandwich now.